The Card Game
by Christie Cookie
Summary: What if the world depended on a game of poker instead of materia, Weapons, Meteor and a bunch of Jenova-infused whack-jobs? Frustration, romance and laughter ensue as the main characters of Final Fantasy VII are brought to life in this crack-fic! :D


DISCLAIMER: None of this belongs to me, except the plotline and craziness. Well, some of it. Some of the characters are crazy in-character.

Ok, this is _not_ a continuation from the one shot I wrote recently (I promise I will write another one of those!) But I was bored and I am just in the mood for writing.

I was also reading some old fanfics written by some friends. Please go and look at generalquistis-zhakeena's _Aeris and Rufus_ – I read it again after about four years and my sides were splitting with laughter! It is such an awesome (yet unfinished ~sob-sob~) fic; light and fun. :3

PLEASE READ!! There are several couples in here that could be controversial to some, so be **warned**. It is _AU_ (_alternate universe_) and so there will be some "living dead" people and some **OOCness**. You have been warned~

Ok – as I was writing this, I noticed one small point – they're playing poker counter-clockwise and I know, I know, you're supposed to play clockwise, but I had already written so much that it would be too confusing to change it. Ok, enough. To the story.

* * *

**The Card Game**

**Oneshot Crack**

"So… you in or out?"

Sephiroth shuffled uncomfortably in his seat as AVALANCHE, Rufus ShinRa, the Turks, and some annoying ShinRa employees peered at him around the poker table. They were huddled in Tifa's Bar, Seventh Heaven, at 2am and the only light burning was the lowlight that illuminated the rickety table they sat around. Barret was beginning to get impatient.

"Foo', make yer min' up man."

"Ok! Ok, ok, I'm… in." Sephiroth pushed in several hundred gil from his ample pile and elbowed Rufus in the ribs. "Watch this," he grinned evilly.

Rufus rolled his eyes. "I haven't the slightest interest in what you have to show me," he muttered, wiping the invisible lint off his jacket. He nodded to Tseng, who was strategically placed between Aeris and Vincent. Aeris had no clue how to play cards and kept dropping them on the table; Vincent's vacant expression actually made him a good bluffer. But he kept forgetting that his hair and the over-sized collar from his cloak got in they way, thus forcing him to either take it off or lift up his cards – which gave Tseng the perfect view. Not wanting to compromise his image, he chose the latter.

Tseng noticed Rufus' gesture, and peeked at his companions' cards. Giving a swift nod, Rufus pretended to think a little longer as he proceeded to get responses from his other Turks who were scattered around the table: Reno and Elena, who sat between Cid and Yuffie; Rude, who sat between Cloud and Barret; Scarlett, next to Red XIII. Heidegger, who sat the other side of Scarlett, stole a peek at Sephiroth's cards and was rewarded with a smack on the back of the head.

"Cheater!" Sephiroth whined.

"Oh come on, it's not like you haven't cheated in this game already," Reeve reasoned. "You're both as bad as eachother."

Sephiroth pouted and Cloud got impatient. "Come on ladies. Are we playing poker or what? Rufus, play."

Rufus flipped his hair and went back to his cards. Barret, who sat by him, looked ready to boil over. None of these idiots knew how to play cards.

"Lets see… I'll call, and raise 2500 gil."

Yuffie, who was busy flicking peanuts at Tseng, sat up in her seat. "No way! I can't afford that! That means I have to steal more gil offa someone."

Aeris over at Yuffie sympathetically, placing her cards down on the table face up. Cloud, who sat at the side of her, quickly grabbed the cards and flipped them over, rolling his eyes and smiling fondly. Aeris pushed some money in Yuffie's direction. "No worries, Yuffie. You can have some of mine."

"Oh! Thanks!" Yuffie replied excitedly, reaching for the money. Before she could touch it, a hand reached out and obstructed her view.

"Everybody, freeze!"

The light chatter around the table and fighting that was going on at Reno and Cid's end stopped instantly. Cloud had stood up and he swatted Yuffie's hand away from the stack of gil. He glared at the little thief and his eyes dropped to her swollen stomach.

"Say, Yuffie, you either empty the money that's underneath your sweater or you'd better lay off the peanuts."

"Cloud!" Aeris scolded, pulling him into his seat.

"She's done it once before, she's not doing it again!" Cloud shot angrily. "I won't let her take advantage of you."

"Hey, that was low, you spikey-headed jerk!" Yuffie jumped, clenching her fists. "You wanna take this outside, chocobo head?"

"Ouch," Barret interjected, before going back to his arm wrestle with Rude.

"Sit down, Yuffie. You're such a kid…" Vincent muttered. Sephiroth sniggered.

"Mind your own business, old geezer," Yuffie retorted. "Isn't it time you went back to your coffin, vampire dude?"

It was Vincent's turn to be angry. "Ok, little girl, you've asked for it. You and me. Outside. Now."

"Oooooh…" the whole table fell silent as they watched the scene. Tifa walked back from the bar, holding a tray of drinks. "What'd I miss?"

Yuffie's stance faltered but she kept her composure. "F-fine. Let's go."

The whole table rose to watch the outcome but Vincent held his hands up. "No. Don't stop the game on our account." Yuffie stomped outside with an obvious teen attitude while Vincent swept out silently after her.

"Yikes… that was hard-core…" Reeve spoke to the silent room.

Cloud pulled the gil back and pushed it back into Aeris' pile, who smiled sweetly at him. He handed her the cards she dropped and caressed her hand with a gentle smile. Tifa, who had sat back in her seat, cleared her throat loudly. "Well, now that hiccup has passed, let's move on." Everyone sat up in their seats and got back to the game. Rude nodded to Barret.

"You're up."

* * *

Vincent had followed the annoying little ninja outside into the starlight, and as soon as the door shut behind them, he whirled her around to face him and kissed her passionately. Yuffie wrapped her arms around his neck and stepped on her tippy toes, her face just barely reaching his.

After several moments they broke apart, arms still around eachother. Vincent poked her in the ribs. "Old geezer, huh?"

"Well, you called me a little girl." Yuffie argued with a giggle, kissing his forehead. Vincent pulled her closer. "You have to admit… it was a genius idea to pick up on the opportunity of getting you outside."

"We gotta tell them eventually," Yuffie replied, brushing the hair from his face with her hand.

Vincent's pensive face reflected in the moonlight. "Hmmm…nah."

Yuffie chuckled as she kissed him again. "Well, if we walk in with no battle scars, then they'll wonder what we were doing."

"We're not making any noise either."

Yuffie broke away and went over to the garbage cans. She kicked one over and a cat shrieked and ran away into the darkness.

"Shaddap!" A voice shouted from not too far down the street. "It's 2 o'clock in the freakin' A.M.!"

"Get back to bed then, bonehead!" Yuffie yelled back, shaking her fist. A dog howled in the distance as the voice shouted back threats and obscenities. Vincent put a hand on her shoulder and turned her around. "I think that's enough noise," he whispered.

Yuffie threw her arms around him, melting at his touch. "Oh, Vincent. I would never steal anything from you." Taking it as a compliment, Vincent chuckled softly at her idea of romance. He replied with his own poetry. "Not even my heart?"

Yuffie gagged, and Vincent kissed her.

* * *

"So, Cloud, what'll it be?"

Most of the table had learnt to pay attention to Cloud's face as he was the worst bluffer in the world. Rufus smirked at Cloud's so-called "poker-face" which made him look more like a lost puppy.

Barret had topped Rufus' raise of 2500 gil and added 300 gil. Rude had folded. The total amount in the kitty was 34065 gil. Cloud clenched his cards. Aeris took a peek at them and then looked up at his face.

"Oh, poor Cloud." Aeris sighed sympathetically. Reno and Cid sniggered and Elena elbowed Reno in the ribs.

Cloud's face turned the colour of the Aeris' jacket. "Aeris, my hand is fine. I can handle it."

Aeris shook her head. "No, I meant your money. You can't afford it!"

Cid erupted in laughter at Cloud's accidental give away. Cloud's groan was interrupted by Scarlett's laugh. "Kya hah hah! Are those blond spikes lodged in your brain or are you a complete moron?"

Cloud shot daggers in Scarlett's direction as he placed his bet. Aeris handed him some money and he pushed it into the center of the table with the rest of it. Heidegger eyed the kitty greedily and earned another smack in the head from Sephiroth.

"Ouch! Gya… what was that for?" Heidegger massaged his head.

"For being a nincompoop and laughing like a horse," Sephiroth retorted, smacking him again.

"Well, that's not a—ouch! Stop—ouch! Quit—hitting—me! Gya—h! President Rufus—!"

Rufus didn't even look up from his cards. "Sephiroth, no matter how justified you are in your actions, you shouldn't abuse my employees. Even if they are idiots."

Heidegger threw his cards in and rose from the table. "I've had enough. Gyah…" Making for the front door, Red XIII spoke up. "I wouldn't go out there. Vincent and Yuffie probably have the mob out there by now."

Tifa got up from the table and walked to the back door. "You can leave this way," she said, opening the door. Heidegger left silently under a dark cloud. **(Thank goodness for that! Heidegger gets on my nerves… XD – A.N.) **Shutting the door behind him, Tifa sat back down at the table between Reeve and Cid, and picked up her cards. Sephiroth grabbed Heidegger's money and counted it gleefully.

Rufus glanced at Tifa and rolled his eyes. She smiled knowingly and he winked. Being the only one who had noticed, Scarlett was glowering Sephiroth's new found fortune and Red XIII was eating peanuts. Elena and Reno were whispering furiously while Cid looked on. Reeve was speaking with Tseng about Heidegger being a waste of time at the ShinRa Inc. and Cloud and Aeris were gazing at one another. Rude was telling Barret about his stamp collection and Barret could hardly contain himself. It took a few minutes for Red XIII to finish his peanuts and get everyone back in the game.

"Hey people… maybe we should get back to business."

"Reno, that had better be the table leg that's rubbing my shin," Cid warned darkly. Reno gasped and sat up straight. Elena giggled. "I need a drink," Reno murmured, taking a swig of his beer.

Aeris cleared her throat and sat on the edge of her seat. "So… um, how much do I need to put in to call?"

"5460 gil," Tseng informed, touching her arm. "Don't worry about it if you can't pay. You can take some of mine."

"Hey, hands off her, you creep," Cloud snapped, reaching around Aeris' back and slapping his hand away.

"An' enough sharing money already, foo's," Barret interjected. "This is gettin' real stupid."

Aeris bit her lip. She looked at Cloud. "I'm going to call it. But my hope is in you, Cloud."

Sephiroth pouted at Aeris. Rufus glanced at him. "Good grief, so much drama at this table…"

Scarlett laughed. "Kyah… she's a fool!"

Aeris stuck out her tongue and threw her money in. "I call!"

Tseng did likewise. "So do I."

Everyone looked at the empty seat between Tseng and Reeve. "Where _are_ Vincent and Yuffie? Not still fighting, are they?" Tifa asked.

The group rose up from the table and made their way to the front door. "I hope they haven't killed eachother," Aeris said.

* * *

Yuffie was still in Vincent's arms as they sat on the porch fence when the door opened. They heard nothing as Vincent whispered sweet nothings in her ear and kissed her neck tenderly.

"Oh my…" Tifa's mouth fell open.

"That's… pweh…" Cid gagged.

Red XIII tilted his head and growled. "Wrong…"

Cloud looked ready to throw chucks and Aeris clasped her hands together and held them to her face. "Oh, it's so good to see you've worked things out!"

The rest of the group erupted in laughter as Vincent and Yuffie leapt apart and began brushing themselves off and Vincent pulled his cape on hurriedly.

"Come on, Romeo. You're up," Reno clapped Vincent on the back.

* * *

It was three in the morning and Aeris had already been sucked dry for all her money by Sephiroth. Cloud was upset for Aeris and was ready to beat him up for taking her money.

"Oh Cloud… don't worry! You have the rest of my money, so get him good for me!" she sat on his lap, playing with his hair.

Reeve's bluffing techniques had been figured out by the rest of the group and so they no longer worked. Scarlett almost got into a fight with Tifa. She decided to home to cool off. Cid and Barret were making fun of Rude and his stamp collection while Yuffie and Vincent were mocked every time they merely glanced at each another. Tifa returned with a round a drinks and took her seat by Cid.

"How's Shera?" she asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

Cid stubbed out his cigarette in the overflowing ashtray and gulped down his hot tea. "Fine," he replied, wiping his mouth. "Completely radiant. She's pregnant."

Half the table clapped and cheered while others congratulated him or gave high-fives. "Oh, how wonderful!" Aeris cheered.

"'Seems onl' lass'week yoo go' hitched," Reno slurred, swigging his eighteenth bottle of beer.

"That's because it was," Cid snapped, knocking the beer out his hand. "Drunken #&!%$...

Reno sniggered. Then his face paled and smile faltered. He swayed a little.

"I'm a… yeah. Uh… g'night…" Reno waved and then his head hit the table. Hard.

"G'night!" Sephiroth waved at the unconscious Reno.

"First Heidegger, then Aeris and Scarlett, and now Reno. They're dropping like flies," Rufus stated. "This is too easy."

Barret shook his fist at Rufus. "No way, foo', I ain't lettin' you win," he retorted.

Elena sighed. Tseng looked over at Reno and then Elena. "Elena. Take him home please."

"But-" Elena started, but Tseng held up his hand. "If I win, I will split the winnings. Now please take our drunk colleague home."

Tifa's who had been staring at Rufus, piped up. "He can sleep on Cloud's bed."

"Hey!" Cloud whined, almost knocking Aeris off his lap as he sat up in frustration. "He can't sleep in my bed!"

"Oh, I'm sure he won't mind your chocobo bedding," Tifa replied casually. "He probably has moogles on his."

"Actually, it's Tonberrys," Elena corrected. "Moogles are on his PJ's."

Cid and Barret exchanged looks, knowing there was no need for words.

Elena thanked Tifa and proceeded to take Reno upstairs. She grabbed Reno's right arm and slung it around her neck. Cid helped Elena bring him to his feet and he woke with a start. "Wuz goin' on?"

"Come on, Reno, I'm taking you to bed," Elena spoke gently, supporting his weight.

Reno belched. "You're no' hittin' on me, are ya? Cuz… I'm not tha' kinda girl…" he hiccupped.

"Ugh…" Elena wrinkled her nose. "Just shut up and get on your feet, you pinhead."

They disappeared upstairs and Cloud sat back glumly in his chair. "Where am I going to sleep?"

Aeris shifted herself on Cloud's lap. "You can sleep in my room."

Cloud's face brightened. "Um… can I?"

"Ugh…" Yuffie stuffed fingers down her throat.

"You can't talk," Cid muttered.

"On the floor, mind," Aeris said reprovingly, "We should to be proper."

"Honey, if you wanted to be proper, you wouldn't be sittin' on his lap," Sephiroth mumbled, counting his now-very-high stack of gil. Cloud snorted like a bull.

Aeris smiled and cuddled up to Cloud even closer. "How's your love life recently, Sephiroth? Frustrated, are are?"

Barret and Cid cracked up laughing and Sephiroth's face shone like a beacon. Reeve was stifling a laugh when his cell phone rang.

Reeve checked the caller ID. "Scarlett?"

"Really?" Tseng and Vincent peeked at the screen of his phone.

Reeve got up defensively. "Get out of it! Buncha creeps."

"Ooohh… sensitive." Barret sniggered.

Reeve rose from his chair and answered the phone. "Hello, Scarlett. What is it?"

Everybody was silent, watching Reeve's stern expression break into a shy smile. Noticing that everyone was watching with great curiosity, he turned his back to them.

"Heheh, yeah."

Rufus glanced at Tifa, who arched an eyebrow. Sephiroth noticed the intimate glance. He looked around the table to see Yuffie and Vincent reaching across the table caressing one another's hands, and Cloud and Aeris cooing over one another. He sighed and counted his large stack of gil dismally.

Elena came back downstairs and took her place next to Yuffie. "So, are we playing cards?"

* * *

The group played for another hour before everyone was eliminated except Cloud and Sephiroth. It was the showdown. Tifa had gone over to the bar to make more drinks and Rufus went to help her. Yuffie and Vincent had gone back outside and Elena had gone to check on Reno and not returned. Red XIII had curled up in his chair while Rude showed Cid and Barret photos of his stamp collection on his phone. Reeve was still on his cell phone with Scarlett, giggling like a schoolboy. Aeris had fallen asleep in Cloud's arms.

Sephiroth had finally had it with the drama and excessive romance and wanted to sleep. "Ok Cloud, no more Mister nice creep. I'm all in." He grabbed his entire stash and pushed it into kitty the between them. Cloud's eyes turned into saucers. The entire bar fell silent: Tifa and Rufus returned with a tray of drinks; Red XIII's head perked up drowsily; Rude, Cid and Barret paused from looking at photos on Rude's phone and watched warily; Reeve hung up from Scarlett with a quick, "gotta go," and sat back down at the table. Aeris woke from her doze and peered at Sephiroth's sobering gaze.

She grinned. "He's bluffing."

Cloud blinked and looked down at his cards. Sephiroth took the opportunity to make cut throat motions in her direction. Aeris merely stuck out her tongue.

Cloud looked up into Aeris' emerald eyes. "How do you know?"

"The Planet told me," she replied sweetly. Sephiroth snorted. "You're not allowed to talk, Ancient. I turfed you out of this game about three hours ago."

Aeris got up from Cloud's lap. She straightened. "Cloud, Sephiroth's right. You need to do this on your own."

Tifa bit her lip. Poor Cloud. He looked as if he was signing his own death warrant. Rufus clapped him on the shoulder. "Cloud, life is all about taking risks. Do it. Face your demons and get on with it."

Cloud nodded meekly and looked at the stack of money. "Cloud," Reeve began, "if you fold now, Sephiroth wins the war. Don't give in."

Cloud looked down at his cards. Sure, he had an okay hand, but was it worth it?

Aeris whispered in his ear. "No matter what, I'm here. I'll hold on - if you will."

Cloud smiled and looked at his friends. "Come on, Cloud!" Tifa cheered. "You can do it!"

"Come on man, get it done," Barret jeered.

"I wanna go home, kids," Cid called over. "Jes' do it already."

Rude was silent.

Sephiroth scowled at all of them. "Is there anyone on my side!?" He slumped in his chair. "I'm just a one-man show, I guess."

Tseng emerged from the shadows. "I'm indifferent." Rufus rolled his eyes. "What did Elena ever see in you?"

Cloud stood and gave Sephiroth the meanest look he could muster. Sephiroth personally thought it was pretty naff and sniggered.

"Grrrr…" Cloud growled and threw down his cards. "Sephiroth, it's you and me. I call it. Show me whatcha got!"

The room clapped and cheered as Sephiroth grabbed his cards and threw down a pair of fives and two queens.

The room fell silent.

Cloud swallowed and all eyes fell on him. Slowly picking up his cards, he took one last look at them. His face deadpan, he flipped them over on the table for the entire room to see.

Two sixes and a pair of kings.

The bar erupted in celebration as Aeris threw herself into Cloud's arms and kissed him passionately while Tseng scowled at them; Tifa and Rufus hugged one another with glee; Reeve punched the air as Red XIII howled in victory; Cid high-fived Rude and Barret jumped on the table and did a victory dance.

Sephiroth got under the table and curled into the foetal position.

Vincent and Yuffie rushed in from outside and Elena came down the stairs, followed by Reno, who was obviously still plastered from the drinking. He massaged his head and winced at the noise level. "Wut's goin' on?"

"CLOUD'S WON!!" Yuffie squealed, punching the air. Cloud smiled dreamily, his arm around Aeris. "I won…" he looked around at the party and whooped. "I WON!"

* * *

It was six-thirty in the morning by the time everyone had left for their homes but Rufus had stayed behind to help Tifa clean up the mess. Aeris went for an early morning stroll and Barret had gone to fetch Marlene from the neighbours who had her over for a sleepover that night.

Cloud was tuckered out and wanted to go to bed. He stood in the middle of the bar, glancing around the room one last time before sleep and sighed. He had beat Sephiroth.

Speaking of Sephiroth…

He knelt down and looked underneath the table. Sephiroth. His eyes were open, wide and staring, curled up with a hand under his head.

"Sephiroth?" Cloud called gently, thinking of a way to coax him from under the table. "Are you ok? I think… is that a _thumb_ in your mouth?"

There was a loud sucking noise before Sephiroth answered, "Mo…"

"Mo?" Cloud asked.

"…maybe."

Cloud got under the table. "Come on, Sephiroth. You're a grown man. This is embarrassing."

Sephiroth sighed. "I really thought I would win, you know."

Cloud nodded. "And I thought I was a goner. Go figure."

Sephiroth looked at Cloud and then looked at the floor. "Can I ask a question?"

"Shoot."

"Is it hard to get a girlfriend?"

Cloud helped Sephiroth out from under the table and then looked at him with all seriousness. "Trust me when I say this," he answered with a smile. "Chicks dig insanity. I guarantee: you'll get thousands of fan girls chasing after you if… you just talk about your mom and how awesome she is."

Sephiroth's face dawned with hope. "Thousands?" Cloud nodded. "Angst works too. But that one's already taken," Cloud added quickly, protecting his image.

Sephiroth shook Cloud's hand. "Thanks man."

"You're welcome." Cloud nodded, and clapped him on the back. "Good luck with your fanbase."

The front door shut behind Sephiroth as he stepped outside and breathed in the crisp early morning air. "Just think… if I get enough fan girls after me, they'll write stories about me and draw pictures of me and I'll be alive for eternity. Mwah…"

He clapped his hands together and rubbed them with glee. "Time to get me a big sword!"

* * *

Ahh~ Ok, I know this was long. I had to end it sometime. I had so many ideas and I even wanted _Zack_ in this, but I couldn't keep track of everyone. If you noticed several paragraphs with a character absent, that's because I forgot about them... XD

Thanks for allowing me to waste about 20 minutes of your life! Have a great day! :DD

**P.S. – **_**You were warned**__**.**_


End file.
